we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Randomize
