you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
