my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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