spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
