she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
did you just send me my own nude
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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