In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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