You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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