U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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