I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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