When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
