She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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