just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
