It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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