Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
