I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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