I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
