My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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