Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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