im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
