Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
