I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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