Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
