no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You don't make any sense
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