that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize