alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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