I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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