she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
