I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
