R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
