Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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