I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
