life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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