I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
