grandma shit on top of the toilet
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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