You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize