Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
