the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
