there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
