Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
porn star boner night. come get it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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