i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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