My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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