Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
