I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
