My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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