Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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