My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
