Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize