i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
