i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
