i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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