Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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