she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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