i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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