I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
