Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
