Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
