worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
