I murdered the dance floor call the cops
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
